...wilderness...

Well, we're fairly close to three weeks until we leave for Nepal. And I am one week into my classes. Let me tell you that I am thankful I have this blog because school sucks my whole life away and I wind up never really paying attention to what day it is until I come out from under my drowning load of work on Thursday morning for long enough to breathe.

Last week, Shea asked us what our fears are going into this trip. Honestly, I have no real scary monster fears like some people do. Traveling doesn't scare me. physical comfort isn't a fear or an issue of mine as I don't mind inconvenience for the sake of others, leaving behind loved ones doesn't affect me the same way it does some of the mommies on the trip, I'm not genuinely afraid of people on the trip or building relationships....so when Shea asked me what I was afraid of, I really couldn't come up with an answer. Even still, as I sit here and think ahead to the trip, the whole thing seems really surreal and almost like I'm not sure I'll be flying halfway around the world for ten days.

But the thing that did strike me while I tried to process an answer for the team was my life here. It's consuming. I'm involved with the Kids community at Blue Ridge, making an effort to be a good leader to women who serve through staying connected (which often fails because of school). I'm also a full-time grad student with a work load that would make the strongest of minds faint with reading, analyzing, writing and researching. I have to mentally prepare for every class because I find myself lost in these classes not having a decent bearing to stand on my own intellectual two feet. There's a week I'll miss of classes, so I will have books to read, papers to write and books to read for the week I come back. All in all, I will be engaged with school work even while I'm away. So a fear? That the pressure and expectation of my life here will be a hinderance to what God wants to do in me while I'm in Nepal.

Another thing also has surfaced lately....there's been a season of spiritual wilderness for me. Not in distance from God, just in keeping on and not feeling Him. Silence from the heavens, dryness in my bones and feeling awfully alone in life all are kind of typical of my experience right now. I'm unable to be fully engaged in community with those I serve alongside because of school. And when I have tried to engage in some community, I've been rejected. I read, pray and seek God regularly and I still hear truth from Sunday's messages and feel like God's guiding me in those ways - but there's just a valley I'm in. But, I'm thankful for valleys because I remember a song from Caedmon's Call from years ago called "Valleys Fill First," and I remember that God will come in like a flood when He's ready to do so and my little dry valley will soak it all up eagerly. In the mean time, 3 weeks from leaving BRCC's front steps, I'm sitting here wondering what God even wants to accomplish or what He can accomplish even with me if I stay in this place.

So maybe that's my fear, that maybe God will act and speak on this trip and I won't see it. I won't receive it. Yeah, I think that's my fear. And that is a little bit more than scary. I hope he opens my eyes before I get home 4 weeks from now. Begging for that actually.