A few weeks ago, the David Crowder band released their final collaborative album. It was highly anticipated as the DCB has provided such songs as "Wholly Yours" and "Oh Praise Him" among other powerful worship songs into the Chuch's collective worship book. I've always loved these Texas boys and their hearts to lead millions in worship. In concert, it's not performance, but a chance to meet God. So I was excited for the new album, but saving money is highly important right now, and a dear friend sent me a copy of this to listen.
I have to be honest though. I haven't really listened to it except for clips here and there. I had a feeling that this album, called "A Requiem Mass" was going to be more of an experience than I was ready for. I cannot say why or what held me back - maybe it was God saying I was not quite ready for the breaking, maybe it was me pushing away from God like a tired child fighting rest, or maybe it was some combination of the both of those things. Either way, the time came last night. I sat down with my journal, silence and then hit play. What follows are a few things that I wrote in my journal as I travelled with God through the full album in a range of colors, emotion and brokeness, healing and beauty. It's fragmented because that's what the time was....a parade of thoughts, song lyrics and prayers in my heart and mind....and a few words from God directly to me. (those will be in bold italics)
me: You come and find me and I call it life, Oh I call it life....
recall from a conversation earlier in the day
"God will not leave your deepest cravings unfulfilled if they are there." But I have to stop seeking to fill them myself, stop making mudpies in the slums and wait patiently for His sweet holiday by the sea...
Oh Lord, Have Mercy. Oh Christ have mercy....Kyrie Eleison Christe Eleison.
You are slow to anger and abounding in grace, mercy and love for Your child.
Forgiven and clean, it's too wonderful...Feel this grace rescuing....
What I need is resurrection and redemption, shine Your Light, Pick Me Up. Generous King, O come, rescue me!
Hold me. Let me rest. I need Your heart and refuge...
Beloved. I have never left you. Give ME all of you...Everybody heals with love, but it is MY love that heals.
Do you KNOW that you are MY Beloved? Really know?
Save a place for me at your feet. Let me sit in silence at Your feet.
I bow low with all of my heart, I bow low....
King of Glory, free me from what keeps me from Your light. Oh My God, My God, let me pass from death to Life....You won't turn your back on me....I've been pushed down into the ground but I will rise up a tree....
I love you. Beloved, I will not leave you, reject you, walk away or desert you. You are mine to keep safe...I've done all this, can I not do more? Can I not exceed even that? Will you not let me move?
Behold the Lamb of God who takes away our sin. Behold the Lamb of God who heals us once again.
Rest in me. My Shelter is pure.
Sweet Lord, you are Great Love. taking away sin and reproach. You are my resurrection, I will rise because of You. I will rest in your salvation, I will stand still, so still and KNOW and wait on the Salvation of My God.
I rest in you and just breathe....while you hold me, I just breathe.
Be still, beloved. Be Still....Rest.....
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